Time for another book. This one should make you giggle:
Wrinklies Joke Book: The Laughter Lines
One of the humour highlights of 2008 was the “Wrinklies Joke Book”. It was appreciated by the older generation the length and breadth of the country for being a joke book that was for oldies and the things they found funny, not laughing at them. Well your luck is in, because Prion announces the follow-up. Another 192 pages of great jokes, witty observations and hilarious quotations concerning everything that old people hold dear!
- How to Enter
Oh you must be able to see this one coming… today is another entry by comment – please tell me a joke!! I should probably tell you to keep it clean too!
You have until 8pm this evening (Tuesday) to post your comment on this post below.
How to Win
The winner will be chosen at random from all entries.
Don’t forget to refer to the general rules of the Splodz Blogz Summer Competition which are posted here: http://splodzblogz.wordpress.com/2010/08/01/summer-competition/
If you follow me on Twitter please feel free to include your Twitter name in your comment so I can say hi if you win!
phyllgerry
What do you call an Irish man with a plate of glass on each side of his head? Padio-o-doors.
Well I like that @phyllgerry
Ashleigh
Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Ear !
Ear who ?
Ear you are, I’ve been looking for you !
andrea caizley (@andiecaz)
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” The doctor interrupts, “Nine…”
Louise
Rolo was walking down the street when across the road he spied his mate Smartie waving at hime. “Hey dude, long time no see, you aint been down the club lately” “Yeah I know, I kept getting into fights so am staying away to keep safe!”
“Ah mate I have a hard shell come tonight and I’ll protect you!” Says Smartie. So Rolo agree’s and they get a taxi to the club. They haven’t been there long when a Tune arrived and batters Rolo about leaving Caramel everywhere. Rolo turns to Smartie and says “I thought you were my Friend, You said you would protect me?” “I wasn’t getting involved with him, he’s Menthol!”
becci williams
There’s been a fight in my biscuit tin. A bandit hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel and made his breakaway in a taxi. Police say he was seen after eight in maryland hobnobbing a ginger nut. The police don’t have a crumb of evidence and the jammy dodger got away with it.
@beccibooxxx
Rachel Dann
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
@dannclan
Gordon Miller
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want”. The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you, anyway.”
Andrew Berry
A small boy was trying his hardest to reach the door bell to ring it. A minister passing by took pity on him and walked up and pressed the bell for the little boy, “there you are sonny”, he said – The little boy looked and him and said, “Thanks, but now you run!”
@aberry
@kohsamui14
“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”
“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.
“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”
Bec
Disclaimer; Sorry but I work with kids.
Why did tigger look down the toilet?
To look for pooh
grannysmither
This is my kids favourite one:
knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who?
knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who?
knock knock, whos there, orange, orange who?
orange you glad i didn’t say banana!
Drives me nuts, especially when they say banana about 10 times before they say orange lol
@grannysmither
Blue
What did the slug say to the snail??
“Big Issue mate?”….
Blue xx
Jennifer Thorpe
why did the banana go to the doctors?
He wasn’t peeling very well. 🙂
(jenniwren12)
Corrine
thought i’d give you a couple of rabbit jokes….
Q: How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one if it hops right to it.
_____
Q: If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have?
A: A receding hare line!
No rabbits were harmed…… lol!
cshimmon
Lynsey Rogers
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
@iridessa76
Andrea Barber
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
Dave
If Life Were Like A Computer:
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you felt like it!
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
To feel like a new person you could just click ‘refresh’.
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!
Shame we aren’t computers!
pixiedustsprinkles
Father and son go into the chemist and at the counter the wee boy notices a display of condoms.
Pointing to a 3 pack, he says to his father “what’s that?” the father says “they help young men have a good time on friday, saturday and sunday.
Then the wee boy points to a 6 pack of condoms and asks “what are those?” the father says “that’s for even older boys , so they can have twice as much fun on friday, saturday and sunday.
Finally the wee boy points at a 12 pack and asks “what are those then?” the father replies “those are for dads like me, january,february, march, april…..
@DisneyMinx
Melanie
There were 2 peanuts walking down the road and one was a salted 😀
@_melvis_
@nicky63
A man had his credit card stolen but has decided not to report it…………………the thief is spending less than his wife!
Sorry I’m rubbish at jokes lol
nicola hawley
A woman goes to the bank manager, she tells him she has a problem with gambling and always has to bet on something,so she says ” I bet you $25000 you have square balls” the bank manager smiles and says you’re on, so she says she will come back tomorrow with an independent witness to make sure the bet is fair.
Later on that evening the bank manager has a “feel” and is very confident.
Next day the woman arrives at the bank with her lawyer, the bank manager drops his pants to verify he does not have square balls. The woman says can I touch them just to make sure, he agrees. Meanwhile the lawyer is banging his head against the wall. The bank manager asks the woman “what’s up with him” she says oh I bet him $100,000 that I could get to feel my bank managers balls in front of him
Laura Hadland
Apparently this is one of the funniest jokes ever, and I like it so here goes:
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “Urgh! That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.”
The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no need on that you go and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
sassyele
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
He wanted to be a polyunsaturated 🙂